[Now finally computered up to the eyeballs again, Tellywonk apologises for the break in transmission and returns, grovellingly, with all three of the recaps she has missed in her shocking and embarrassing absence from it. She will find a way to atone for this (and soon) she promises]

“The Package”/”Happily Ever After”/”Everybody Loves Hugo”

Over three weeks, there have been three episodes. It would seem ridiculous to pretend that I have done all of these individually, so I might as well combine them, as that makes logistical, if not readable, sense to do so.

I thought, at first, that I might try and do them from memory, and then, if that seemed good enough, that might expunge the need for me to sit here and watch them all again – because really, how complicated can they be? Also, it gives me an excuse to use the word expunge in a sentence.

So: Jin and Sun still haven’t got together, but in the other universe they have, which is very lovely, but also very secret, because they’re not married, so technically they haven’t. Got together. Technically. But they have technically if you understand technically to be more of a internal/external-sexual-organ-engineering-term, in which case they have, because in The Alternative Universe of the Passengerinsons, Sun is already pregnant. But in the on the Island of the Lostinsons, Jin and Sun are still wandering around doing their best impression of two ineffectual floor-cleaning robots, rolling around in little circles trying to find some dirt. Or rather, each other. They seem to continually do circuits of the island and/or time, swinging wildly around each other and almost making contact, but not quite. It is like standing and watching some twat in the park showing off to the world about how good he is at swinging balls around his head on strings, and hoping, praying that he’ll smack himself in the head and yet somehow he always always manages not to.

And Smokey McNotlocke chased Sun through the forest a bit, and now she can only speak Korean again. But she can write in English. And that was their episode, basically. Lots of loveliness in the Land of the Passengerinsons, or at least until Jin was kidnapped by EvilKeany and his Terrible Haircut, and taken to the Egg Kitchen, where we previously saw Sayid in HIS other life, killing Keamy for some reason that seemed important at the time. Something to do with his childhood sweetheart and his brother and not liking Egg dishes, or something.

In this episode, we also met up with Mikhail, the man with the eye-patch from the farm in the jungle that almost killed John Locke for cracking his amazing chess game that time (remember that time? Good times…) who proved himself to speak Korean as well, and then died from a bullet-assisted face-cavity to the eye area.

Sorry, yes, so when I said ‘that was basically it for that episode’, it clearly wasn’t. NOW we’ve basically done this episode. I think. All of it.

OH! Except that Widmore, who has returned to the island, as you’ll remember, in a small pedal-powered submarine, has some brilliant (or possibly nefarious) plan to defeat Smoky McNotlocke (and/or reclaim the island for his own material gain), and has kidnapped Jin to that end (no WONDER Sun can’t find him!) because when Jin was in 1977-9, this time last year (and also sort of 2005-7) (although not), he was one of the engineering squad, and might know where the enormous magical electrical plugs are. Widmore’s plan involves the enormous magical electrical island plugs.

This is either because

a) Widmore has brought a ginormous magical extractor fan to remove the smoke monster problem, and it can only run off the mains. OR
b) There’s a … No, that’s basically the only option. The extractor fan thing.

AND THAT REALLY IS IT FOR THE FIRST EPISODE.

You’ll notice that I didn’t do that one with the other two episodes. That’s because the other two are Important (with a capital I, you see) and the Jin and Sun one was important to people who like people running around in circles trying to find each other.

THE OTHER TWO EPISODES

At the end of the first of these three episodes (yes, yes, I know I said that I was completely done with that episode, but I will be right after I’ve mentioned this one last thing) it was revealed that Widmore had brought with him in his Submerpedalmarino a secret ‘package’ in a locked room. But what could this secret package be, the episode pondered, leaving the question hanging in the air…
“It’s Desmond.” Said every single Lost viewer in the world, bar none; “It’s clearly fucking Desmond, what do you think we are, stupid?”

And Desmond it was (I really am done with that Jin/Sun episode now, I’ll never ever mention it again).

And Widmore put Desmond in a magical container box, and zapped him with four tons of magical electricity, and Desmond went flipped to the other time/reality, where he worked for Widmore and met Charlie, who was able to give Desmond a window through to the other reality (presumably because he died in the other reality, making him half-dead in new one), and Desmond went to find Penny and therefore created his own version of the other reality that met up with the Island version. Sort of. Anyway. No, wait, let’s go through that slower:

2007 Desmond, brought to the island by Mr Widmore, who apparently isn’t even trying to sound British anymore (tune in next week, by which point he’ll be wearing a hat with corks hanging from it and will be calling everyone ‘Cobber’), was showered with magical electricity in Widmore’s shed, and we switched to the 2004 world of the Passengerinsons, where Desmond was working for Widmore, picked up Charlie who, after his overdose on the plane (during which he apparently had a glimpse into the other universe) was meant to play at Widmore’s party, but instead drove Desmond’s car into a harbour while listening to “You All Everybody”. This is a perfectly rational reaction to that song. “Looking like stupid people, wearing expensive clothes” indeed.

Desmond flashes on having seen Charlie in the water behind glass before, and sees the words Not Penny’s Boat, and, after meeting Daniel the Dead Scientist at Widmore’s pre-party and after being told there has to be something like another atomic bomb set off, enquires who this Penny is, finds out, goes to find her and falls madly in love immediately etc.

OTHER Desmond then wakes up on the island and agrees to do whatever Widmore needs in order to do whatever it is he’s going to do (extractor fan), but in the Passengerinsons universe, OTHER-other Desmond decides to go on a mission to show all the other Passengerinsonsthat there is another reality that they should be in. And, in fact, are.

Oh god, it all made more sense when I was watching it.

Regardless – in the next episode, we find Hurley saving the world one piece of fried chicken at a time. First Libby finds him, and tells him that she (as a loony, with an official loony-bin badge) has a memory of being with him in another time, place or reality, or something. He does not understand, but fancies her anyway.

Then Desmond comes and says … well, something about the weird other reality schtick, and Hurley goes to see Libby, and kisses her, and then remembers everything, and it’s magical (and presumably will continue to be until this reality ends, balance is restored, and Libby stops being a loony Libby and starts being dead Libby instead.

MEANWHILE BACK ON THE ISLAND

The Good Lostinsons are on Lostinson Beach with Ilana and Richard (a); Smokey McNotlocke is in the Jungle with Sawyer, Kate and Evil-Sayid (b); Widmore is on Otherisland with his peddalo submarine and an Australian accent (c).

And then by the end, Ilana’s been blown up with very little ceremony, The Black Rock has been blown up with very little money spent on CGI, Jin’s gone to OtherIsland to hang out with Widmore, Hurley, Jack, the Pilot and Sun have turned up at Lockey McSmokestack’s camp, Richard, BenHenryDarthOther and someone else have disappeared into the woods, Michael’s reappeared and revealed that, like him, the whispering voices are souls of people who’ve done bad things, trapped on the island forever, and Smoky McNotLocke has been here there and everywhere, but most importantly pushed Desmond down a polystyrene well.

So that’s us completely up to date, and anything I haven’t included wasn’t important.

Phew.

hello.
Sorry about the absence.