“Ab Aeterno”

In which we finally learn all about Richard, and only really care about some of it.

ON THE ISLAND

Most of the remaining Lost family Lostinsons are sitting around a fire on the beach talking with The Pilot, Ilana, Ben HenryDarthOther and Richard Eyeliner about what to do now. Someone posits the theory that they are all dead and in hell. Ben suggests that they ask Richard what to do now. Richard laughs a weird, high-pitched hollow laugh, and says that he is done, he tried to kill himself and wants no more of this, and is going over to the other side, he’s going to find John Locke.

“What does he mean by that?” asks Clueless Jack, Doctor of SURELY-he’s-not-the-hero-of-it-all.

And everyone looks at each other, no one wanting to he the one who tries to explain the idea of undead smoke monsters to the man who still doesn’t believe in weird things even though he’s lived in the world o’ weird for a frankly ridiculous spell now.

FLASHBACK: THE FAR DISTANT PAST OF RICARDIPUS
Which must be told in the words of Ricardipus, for he is the only one old enough to remember it fairly and accurately:

CHALLO peeps! I am Ricardipus! I am gone tell you all about ma life, which has bin a VEH long, but the way I tell it, issa notta so long.

So heres we go, yeah? I was a young man – or a man of around the same age as I am righta now, but about 200 years ago and that, innit – ma wife, yeah? She was all sick and that. So imma like, I’m gone go get the doctor! And she’s all like “no, Ricardipus, we donna havea the money (cos we is poor and from Tenerife), you could just wrap me in some hummous and vine leaves and mozzarella and some chorizo and I will be fine, if slightly geographically confooose. Innit”

So I didn’t listen to that, cause it was clearly fivverish ramblin’ and I tooka her crucifixo neckalace and I rodded off on my horsie to find the doctor, and when I got there I was like “Doctor, Doctor, give me the news I gotta bad case of sick wife” and he’s all “No, I done wann comm and look at your sicky wife, she’s poor and smelly and that. Just put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and then in the mornin’ she’ll be fine. Or dead, innit” and I’m all “Wassa matter you? Gotta no respect? Ah, shutuppa your face.”

And then I push him, and he falled over and banged his head on something and then he died.

So anyway: long story short, I got arrested and thrown in jail, where I read lots of Bible in the English, until a priest came and I was like “Can I getta that magic Catholic forgiveness shit you got?” and he is like “No. Have some slavery instead! Here I sella you to Captain Hanso. HANSO. You know, like the Hanso foundation? Si. Like-a that. Shutuppayoface”

So I was inna a boat on the sea, and then there was a big storm, and we could see a big statue of a dog in shoes out of the window, and all the other slaves chained up was like “OMG ISSA THE DEEEEVIIIIL!” and I was like just starin’ with my eyeliner bein’ a bit runny from still feelin’ sad about bein’ a slave and losin’ my wife and all of that, and then the boat came up on a big wave, got thrown through the tumkin of the statue, which smashed the statue to bitty bits, and the boat got shipwrecked way down deep in the middle of the jungle.

So the next day the officer who tooka me hostage he came down to the slave hole and started stabbing all the slaves, straight through the tumkin. BOF! *Tumkin!* Takka THAT, Slave! Tumkin! and then he got to me, and he didn’t get to stab me in the tumkin or anywhere else because this big thing of black smoke came down and was like ‘BOOM!” and the room all shook, and then it was like “BOOM!” and the room shook again and then it was like “tick-tick-tick-tick…” and it plucked him out of the slavehole and took him away to be dead elsewhere.

And then I spent what seemed like three weeks pulling on a chain and trying to free myself from the boat, and it was a long, and draining and fruitless process, and would almost certainly, if I only knew what television was, think that it would make very, VERY poor television indeed.

Then my wife arrived! I know! MA WIFE! And she is like “I am dead and you are dead and we are dead and we are all together!” and then she went away and I just heard this ‘tick-tick-tick-BOOM!’ and the room shook and I was like “Oh no it is either that smoke monster, or The Fresh Prince, but whatever the case it is bad news, I thinks, like the time they put Basil in the ratatouille and that was bad enough”

So this man in black comes down and he says, “Challo peeps! Lemme let you out of these chains. Oh! Look! It is good to see you out of those chains! Here is the news: you are in hell, and you are dead, and you are dead in hell, you can get out, and be with your wife again, but you have to kill the devil, he’s this blond guy. That ok? Wicked, here is a big knife. Scorchio. ChrissyWaddle.”

Anyway, so then I went to find the blond guy, and he was like “Nono, you are not dead and this is not hell and I am not the devil, and you can work for me instead, yeah? Here, I stroke your arm and now you live for ever. Super! So. Lemme explain big news to you. This is not hell. This island is like a big cork, and evil is like a bottle of red wine. And the island-cork is keeping all the red-wine-bad down. You could call it hell, or you could call it by some of its other names:

“And if something goes wrong with the cork, all the evil will pour out and get everywhere, and as we all know, red wine is a bastard thing to get out of furnishings so we want to avoid that happening. Will you help, Ricardipus? Yes? Super!”

and so then I was on his side, but the other man, the dark haired one, he was mucho grumpipuss about it, but what can I do? And that is the end of that. Thank you for listening. Hot sauce?

BACK IN THE NOW ON THE ISLAND

The now being 2007 in this case, probably…
Richard goes to the place where he last spoke to the man in black and shouts for him, saying that he (Ricardipus) has changed his mind and would like to be bad now please.
But then Hurley arrives. He says that Ricky’s wife is here. Lucy (or not, but it might be Lucy. Makes sense) and she says that she does not want him to be bad, and that she loves him and that, and would like him to make sure the man in black does not leave the island, because if he does, they’re all going to hell (scorchio!), which she does not want.

And that is it.

IN OTHER NEWS
We saw the moment that Jacob came to Ilana, who was lying badly burnt up in a hospital and told her she was going to have to come with him to help protect six people. The candidates. Confusingly, though, Jacob was dressed all in black. And frankly, if we’re going to keep referring to the other Lockey McSmokestack guy as the Man In Black, then it would be helpful if Jacob didn’t do that.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNT DURING THIS EPISODE
1) I had no idea before this moment how much Tenerife looked like Hawaii.
2) Also had forgotten that Jack hasn’t met Smokey McNotLocke yet. Which is going to be a really annoying and ACTINGFUL scene from Emoting Jack, Doctor of Scenerychewing, when it comes. Oy oy oy.
3) Richard laughed at one point in this, and it sounded ridiculous. I only realised at that point that, I honestly don’t think we’ve ever heard Richard laugh before.
4) I was nowhere near as curious about the roots of Richard as I think I was supposed to be.