“Recon”

In which Sawyer finds more excuses to get his shirt off more times than someone with really shaky hands on a diet of tomato soup. And proves, in doing so, that no one THIS shirty-offy could ever be all bad, right?

I mean, look at the Die Hard movies. Baddies: clothes on, Goodies: shirty offy. It is a rule.

It is, however, the only rule that this episode adheres to. For all other intents and purposes it is breaking ALL the rules! Even the one about heavy petting in swimming pools. You know why? Because breaking rules is what Sawyer does best. Well, that and taking his shirt off.

IN THE PAST/ALTERNATIVE PRESENT-PAST/PRESENT-PRESENT, IN THE UNITED STATES OF PASSINGERINSONS!

Sawyer is a conman. But wait! He is not a real conman, he is conning people that he is a conman because he is actually an undercover policeman pretending to be a conman!

But really, he mainly appears to be a policeman so that he can hunt down the evil man (*probably* still The Real John Locke (verfied account)’s bad dad, but seriously, who fucking knows anymore…) who killed his mummy and his daddy – or at least created the circumstances that caused his daddy to kill his mummy and then kill himself, but that’s not as snappy a revenge line. “Hello. My name is James Sawyer. You created the circumstances under which my father felt compelled to murder my mother and subsequently commit suicide. Prepare to die.” It doesn’t sound as good, right?

So really, he’s kind of conning people into thinking that he’s a good undercover policeman pretending to be a conman by pretending to be a bad man and also a good man to find the real bad people.

He is like a riddle, wrapped inside an enigma, put in a sandwich, wrapped into a burrito, wrapped inside a giant model of St Paul’s Catheral, inside a sleeping bag, wrapped inside a bucket that might once have contained some spackle, wrapped in marzipan, stuffed into a soft doughy shell and fed to a manatee.

To make things even more confusing, Sawyer is the policeman-partner (technical term) of Miles, creating my new favourite spinoff series to come out of this season so far.

Miles sets him up on a date with Charlotte, who proves herself to be enough of a goer to get him out of his shirt within about twenty minutes of meeting him (though let’s face it, it doesn’t take much) and, immediately after their angry bitey monkey-sex:

by Bobbie Johnson

She sends him out of the room to fetch water, then rifles through his drawers.
(The ones in his chest of drawers, not the ones that are another word for pants. She has already done that, and very thoroughly too, we assume, having apparently ably located his penis in there)

Is SHE undercover? What or who is she undercover for? We never get to find out, as Sawyer, arriving back in the room and not finding her under the covers, he suspects she is undercover and shouts at her! SHOUTS! And then throws her out on the street.

Miles – who may or may not be psychic but certainly knows that a) something hinky is going on b) Sawyer was in Australia c) possibly doing something hinky.

Sawyer admits a little hinkiness, saying that he was looking for this bloke who blah blah blah mum blah blah dad blah, and when he finds him he’s going to make him dead. Possibly with some kind of bullet-in-the-tumkin action. Or some chainy-chokey-neck business. Could go either way.

And then he meets Kate, who he last saw at the airport, when he helped her escape (presumably because not doing so would have let his partner (ex-partner) Miles know that he was in Australia). He recognises her, and looks like he might be considering taking his shirt off at her in the near future. He doesn’t know it yet, but he already has. About 3 months into another future he has. Let’s let that go, shall we?

IN THE PRESENT, WELL, 2007ish TIME ON THE ISLAND OF THE LOST FAMILY LOSTINSONS

Sawyer, who we last saw – or thought we saw – going bad with Lockey McSmokestack, is actually PLAYING Lockey McSmokestack.

Lockey McSmokestack sends him over to OtherIsland to pow-wow with any surviving new-plane-crash-survivors, but when he gets there he finds only dead new-plane-crash-survivors, which technically makes them not-new-plane-crash-survivors. Or new-plane-crash-not-survivors. Whatever the case, there is a lady there, but she is a minion of Widmore, Jim Robinson from Neighbours. She is not, it should be noted, a mignon, which is a kind of steak. Which is a shame, because I like steak.

Widmore tries to get Sawyer to spill some beans for him, and Sawyer spills ALL the beans. He offers to get Lockey McSmokestack over to the island, where Widmore can fight him. Widmore thinks that Sawyer is his minion now.

But then Sawyer goes back to Lockey McSmokestack and tells him that Widmore is on Otherisland, and that it would be best if he goes over to fight Widmore until he has a heart attack like he had when he was in Neighbours. Lockey McSmokestack thinks that Sawyer is HIS minion.

Sawyer tells Kate that he is no-ones minion, and is merely getting them to fight each other so that he and Kate can leap in the submarine and take off while they are distracted. Kate looks at him like he is her mignon. And she wants to eat him ALL up.

By which I mean she wishes to engage in sexual congress with his penis. If you know what I’m saying.

Meanwhile, Kate almost gets killed by Claire while Sayid, still sulky-evil, looks on, and then Lockey McSmokestack explains why, and then Claire appears to de-mad, and gets sad and huggy with Kate.

And that is the end of this episode.

THINGS I LEARNT WHILE WATCHING THIS EPISODE
1) Well strictly speaking WHILE watching this episode I learnt how annoying it is to get glitter up your nose. But also:
2) That yes, there is a VITALLY IMPORTANT mirror moment in every single flashback-forward-sideways moment. In this one, Sawyer glared in the mirror and, discovering that he still had his shirt on, punched that looking glass until it broke. Roooooooooar!
3) Lockey McSmokestack has mummy issues. His mother was a little bit mad. Not that that runs in the family or anything. Still, it’s very exciting to have SOMEONE having problems with their mother for once.