Amazingwonk Joy Begbie is back being amazing about the Amazing Race on the amazing tellywonk. The Amazing Race, meanwhile, is letting the side down by not being amazing at all. Tut. Never mind, the REST is still amazing…

Previously on the Tellywonk coverage of The Amazing Race: I shared my vital rules on clue-reading and assessing skills at detours because frankly, the episode was all a bit predictable. Cool Cowboys came out on top, Monique & Shawne went home. Who will be eliminated next?

Okay, so here’s the deal. This had all the makings of an awesome episode of The Amazing Race. There was bungee jumping and speed eating and soccer playing and vomiting and even a Beatles cover band. But the thing is this: it was also Oscar night. So some network exec probably figured that Amazing Race was going to have fewer viewers this week. And so somewhere a decision was made: let’s just make this week a non-elimination round.

Well, POOP. We could’ve sent one of the clueless teams home, but no. Ergh.

Now, wait. I’m getting way ahead. Let me backtrack and just bullet-point some of the awesome things in this episode. I might not catch them all, because hey, I was still basking in Avatar’s loss… I mean, erm, Hurt Locker’s win!
• • Jet bungee jumping in his cowboy hat. I admit, I thought they were setting up a horrendous sad joke in which Jet would go hatless for the remainder of the race, but wow. Apparently, they know how to make hats that fit in Oklahoma.
• • Bro-Dan is incredibly supportive and physically holds a terrified Brandy throughout the bungee jump, which she attests to in the interview. Carol seems to be holding back the words, “Fine, why don’t you marry him?”
• • Clearly it is the girls holding back the two clueless teams. But that’s why teams are allowed to ask for help. My rule number 32 is: Always consult the locals! Being pretty doesn’t make the trains go the right direction.
• • Steve pretty much chugging the entire giant boot of beer and then realizing – oh wait, it says we have to share. So he hands the boot to Allie when there is a mouthful left and all I can think is, “Yum. Dad’s backwash.”
• • Jeff & Girl-Jordan don’t seem to realize that the city is called Hamburg, not Hamburger. I don’t think the taxi driver was actually lost, but just attempting to drive them out of his beloved home city.
• • Bro-Jordan actually compliments Bro-Dan on his soccer kicking form. Okay, as a native Rhode Islander, I love this. I just do. I don’t know any kid from Rhode Island who didn’t play league soccer growing up. It’s ingrained. I did eight years of it myself, despite the fact that I’m asthmatic and uncoordinated. But to me, that one little comment was pure awesome and cements my love for what I am now officially calling Team Hey Bro (even though, seriously, bro, you could stop calling each other that any time, bro, because it’s really annoying. Bro.)
• • Team Cool Cowboys enter the Red Light District and Jet declares, “Cord, we are no longer in the Bible Belt.” Well. Aren’t we the master of the obvious? (I love them too. So so much.)

Now let’s get to the not-so-awesome parts of the show. Caite. Oh, Caite. Okay. I address the rest of this paragraph directly to Miss Teen South Carolina. Caite: If you thought that doing this show was going to make people take you seriously and forget your Miss Teen USA debacle, you have got another think coming. Because making faces, crossing your eyes, and twitching like you just hit an electric fence – all because you have to drink a BEER – will not help your reputation and will not help you win the race. Also, we would all like you a teensy bit better if, when your boyfriend had vomited, you had gone to comfort him. Or if you had just finished the beer yourself at that point – especially after he asked you to. After all, you hadn’t just vomited in the gutter, you big princess. (Also, seriously, WTF is up with spelling your name Caite? Just spell it Katie like a normal human being or grow the hell up and be a Kate. And FYI: Only Cate Blanchett can get away with that spelling, so don’t even think about it.)

Ahem.

And then we come to the elimi-NOT! Into the pit stop comes Team Bad Cop (and major kudos to them for going from last to first!), followed by Steve & Allie, Joe & Heidi, Team Cool Cowboys, Team Diva Lesbian, Team Hey Bro, Team So Annoying That Tellywonk Just Addressed A Whole Paragraph To The Girl On This Team, and then Jeff and Girl-Jordan. Who are not eliminated.

Now, I have no inherent problem with non-elimination rounds. Really, I don’t. But it’s just… Jeff & Girl-Jordan are running a really bad race. They won the first leg, but since then it’s been a series of poorly read clues, bad choices, and general mishaps. I will say this for them: they seem relentlessly chipper in interviews, seem to be enjoying themselves, and occasionally point out fun things about their surroundings, which I particularly like in an Amazing Race contestant. I mean, that’s the point of going on the Race, right? To see the world? They certainly add a comic element that I would miss. But I do feel like the producers probably picked this leg to be non-elimination because it was on opposite the Oscars. There were a lot of clumping elements that evened the playing field for the teams, between the intercontinental flight and the Intersection, so this leg just didn’t need to be a non-elimination. And yes, you may officially file this paragraph under #generalgrumpiness.

Next week! There’s a Speed Bump! And a U-Turn! And a World War I re-enactment! And it’ll all be AMAZING!! Seriously. Count on it. Bro.